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Do You Have A Negative Relationship With Your Child

Do you have a negative relationship with your child?

Dr John Gottman, in his 40 years of research, explains it perfectly in his Bringing Baby Home Program.  Just like couples can have more negative than positive things about things about your relationship, you can also have more negative than positive things about your relationship with your children.

Many parents find themselves at times in an exclusively negative relationship with their children.  Parents who frequently criticise and fail to recognise positive things about their children are in a negative cycle.  I know I do go through stages with the girls sadly from time to time.  I might be feeling tired from their constant demands, lack of sleep etc etc that I can hear myself being negative towards them.  It is extremely important that we recognise when this is occurring and stop it straight away.

Some parents may feel by being negative that the child will be scared or feel threatened to do the right thing.  But sadly, in most cases, the child will misbehave more because the child is accustomed to misbehaving to get some form of connect with you.

If you find yourself in the negative cycle with your children, take a breath and do something for you for 5 minutes.  Then get in the habit of picking out when your child is behaving positively and acknowledge those moments.  This will help swing around your relationship from a positive rather a negative relationship.

If you feel you need help to achieve this, I do run a 12 week coaching program called Nurture Your Mother/Child Relationship.

I Have No Bond With My Child

A few mums say to me, especially if this is their first child, that “I have no bond with my child.”  Then after hearing a mum say this, I hear a massive sigh as a massive weight as been lifted off their shoulders.  They usually then go on to explain how they feel guilty and that they are a bad mum because they struggle to develop a bond with their child.

When your child gets put into your arms for the first time, you do not receive a book on your child. We are all left with getting to know their child.  No matter if this is your first child or your fifth child, no child is the same and every parent around the wall needs to get to know their new child.  Your child brings with them their own personality and some do not fit in the text book. I know mine didn’t read the book before the arrived.

One of the first strategies that I give mums who struggle to develop a bond with your child is a simple but very powerful strategy that can happen anytime, any where.  It is simply to touch your child.  Touch around their face, down their arms, around their little hand.  Touch your child and think about what you are touching as you go.  Think to yourself what their eye colour is, skin texture, anything that is special to your child.  Mums come back to me usually with amazement how strong this strategy was as they were able to explore their child.  Even mums with postnatal depression felt a change, even if it was small, towards the light when they do this activity and in time start to feel love and connection with their child.

Give it a go next time you have time with your child if you also think that “I have no bond with my child.”