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Do Not Join Your Child’s Emotional Chaos

emotional chaosAs your child’s parent it is extremely important not to join your child’s emotional chaos.  Your child instead needs you to remain calm and guide them through these challenging emotions.

Have you ever watched your child’s eyes glass over when you yell at them?  Have you been in a classroom where the teacher is yelling and getting very little reaction from the teacher?  Do you have a teacher who is well known for constant yelling?

As a teacher in Outside School Hours Care, it was challenging with such a range in ages and battling the end of day tiredness that they students simply did not listen.  No matter how much I yelled it did nothing.  I soon figured out that the best way to get your child’s attention is to simply whisper.  All of a sudden you will find that children go quiet as they think they are missing out on something.

181_volcanoWhen your child is emotionally erupting, they need our guidance in how to regulate their emotions and learn how to calm themselves down.  By yelling back at our children when they are yelling, you are only reinforcing they yelling behaviour.

So how do you not join in your child’s emotional chaos?

  • Before responding take a deep breathe
  • Remind yourself that you are not going to yell back
  • Look at the situation from your child’s point of view so that you can show understanding and empathy
  • Remind your child that it is ok and you are there to help them
  • Label the emotion so that they start to understand their feelings
  • Direct them to appropriate activities to help let out their emotions
  • Make up a chart and together come up with strategies that they can do when they are feeling…….

Helping your child through their emotions is extremely challenging if you dismiss emotions.  I encourage parent’s to sign up for my Emotion Coaching program so that you can help your child emotionally regulate.  It is important that you do not join in your child’s emotional chaos.

 

Reduce Night Terrors with Juniper Berry

Juniper berry.2Juniper Berry (Juniperus communis) assists those who fear the dark.  Instead of hiding from what they do not understand, it encourages individuals to learn the lesson and face their fear.  Juniper Berry acts as a catalyst by helping individuals access and address those fears and issues which have long been avoided.

Dreams contain night time communications.  Even nightmares can reveal unresolved fears and issues.  It offers courage and energetic protection in the night time.

Emotions that Juniper Berry can address are irrational fears, recurrent nightmares, restless sleep.  Other fantastic oils which can be blended together are black pepper, clary sage and vetiver.  You can also blend with bergamot, citrus oils, cypress, geranium, lavender and rosemary.

 

When Fear Gets Too Much

When fear gets too much a lot of the fears turn into irrational fears.  Currently, we have adult losers who are targeting a neighbour every night for the last 3 months.  I am really stuck on what kind of people would do this every night.  I am sure there is better things to be doing.

However this has taken an emotional toll on the girls, especially Emma.  Emma is now at the stage when fear gets too much.  Her fears have become quite irrational and her anxious feelings are through the roof.

Thank you LOSERS.

Nevertheless, we are desperately trying to help her through these emotions.  When fears gets too much it can really disable your life.

This week I am trying basil and a massage blend of essential oils in the diffusers to see if they can ease some of the fearful emotions.

When fear gets too muchBasil, primarily: overwhelm, fatigue, low energy and the inability to cope with life’s stressors.  Basil also helps to relax the mind.  This oil is also excellent for states for nervousness, anxious and sadness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When fear gets too muchThis oil is a blend of essential oils.  This blend help calm, relax and releases physical tension.  This oil helps when feeling tense, stiffness in mind and body, stressed, unable to relax.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vetiver Essential Oil

VetiverVetiver (Vetiveria Zizanioides) is one of my most used oils especially for Grace.  I have found when Grace is really unsettled and not coping, if I roll a special blend called the Peaceful Child Blend up her spine, it grounds her quickly and  she is able to cope better.

The distillation of vetiver is a painstaking, labour intensive activity.  The roots and rootlets have been used in India as a perfume since antiquity.  It has a heavy, smoky, earthy fragrance.

Vetiver oil assists in becoming more rooted in life.  Life can scatter one’s energy and cause one to feel split between different priorities, people and activities.  It centers individuals in themselves in self and to the root of their emotional issues.

Emotions that can be addressed are disconnected, scattered, stressed, need to escape.

 

Do You Dismiss Emotions?

Do you dismiss emotions by saying the following:

  • Only girl’s cry…………..
  • You will be alright………….
  • Cheer up…………..
  • You should never be angry…………

These types of comments have been past down from generation to generation as a lot of our parenting is based on our past experiences.  I remember with my family we were encouraged not to show our emotions and just deal with it.  When my dad passed away I remember my mum saying “I don’t want you crying at the funeral as you will embarrass me.”  This was how she was parented and it was all that she knew.

Many parents frequently use this approach with their kids, not realizing that there is a better way to manage.  This type of parenting is called Emotion Dismissing or Emotion Disapproving Parents.  If you think that you are doing this, don’t fret because I have to admit that I did that until I learnt that there is a better way to manage emotions.  We can learn better ways so that you do not dismiss emotions anymore.

Emotion dismissing parents are usually not cruel or mean spirited people.  They are often loving, warm and concerned, but are uncomfortable with intense emotions.  They prefer the neutral state and like others to be calm and reasonable.  They dislike anger, rage, sadness, despair.  They are also uncomfortable with intense positive emotions.   It means that you have the best intentions, but are missing opportunities for guidance and connection with your children.

Characteristics of Emotion Dismissing Parents:

  1. They don’t notice lower intensity emotions in themselves or their kids.
  2. They see negative emotions as toxic and want to protect their children from them.
  3. They want kids to be able to change emotions quickly.
  4. They may punish a child or put them in a time out just for being angry, even if there is no misbehaviour.
  5. They prefer cheerful children and want their kids to focus on the positive.  They distract or try to cheer up their kids when they have negative emotions.
  6. They don’t have a detailed vocabulary for emotions.
  7. They want reason to control emotion, therefore are uncomfortable with strong emotions.

I learnt to face my emotions when I was recovering from severe postnatal depression.  I also void that I wouldn’t ignore my child’s emotions.  When they are having a meltdown I am usually silent for a while.  I would encourage you to just sit there for a while whilst your child is upset and just be present.  When they start to calm down I label the emotions that they are feeling and find a good 90% of the time just labelling the emotion helps them to calm down.

When my girls hurt themselves I acknowledge that it would hurt and I would have cried.  I acknowledge when they are angry and help them to express their anger in more appropriate means if they are hurting others.

By making a conscious effort to change the way I manage my own emotions and help through their emotions, I am building a stronger relationship with my girls and sending the message that no matter what happens in life, I am there for them.

If you want to receive help in emotion coaching head over to my Challenging Behaviour Program.  If you want to just do an Emotion Coaching program that can easily be arranged to suit your needs.  Simply drop me an email at Rebecca@Coachingforlifetimechange.com.au

 

Autism and Bullying

Autism and bullying

Individuals with Autism are affected by bullying!

A common myth in society is that individuals with Autism do not want to have friends.  If society believes that individuals with Autism do not want friends, then they would also not be affected by bullying.

Individuals with Autism are affected by bullying!

Another myth that society has is that individuals with Autism do not have emotions.  If people with Autism do not have emotions, then they can not possibly be affected by bullying because they are oblivious to it.

Individuals with Autism are affected by bullying!

I have been watching what four years of bullying has done to my daughter and if either of the above myths were true, my daughter would not be affected.  I totally understand the situation which the other girl is causing her to act out.  Her life is extremely hard and she feels that she needs to control all those around her.

Nevertheless this is not fair for my daughter to go through.  I have dealt with challenging children throughout my career, but sadly this girl puts challenging at such a different level.  But my daughter has been forgotten throughout it all.

My daughter has Autism.  She wants to have friends.  She knows what personal qualities she wants to develop.  But for her to come home one day and ask “why can’t I be nice to everyone?”.  This really broke my heart.  She does not want to go to school anymore.  She is scared of going out to play.  Her anxiety is through the roof.  She is now questioning if she will ever have “nice” friends as she now thinks she will only have mean friends.

My daughter is a very loyal friend.  Although she is terrified of the repercussions of walking away from her friend but she has always stood by her friend.

Bullying is simply not acceptable.

My local community constantly watches individuals harassing a neighbour who also is on the Spectrum.  Adults who all have licenses come out of their way and through objects constantly at his house to simply upset him and make him swear and yell for hours after.

Bullying is unacceptable and if you are doing it to someone for any reason, you need to look hard at yourself as it is unacceptable and it says a lot about you.

Individuals with Autism are affected by bullying!

 

How do I use Essential Oils to Ease Anger?

Essential Oils and Anger
Numerous clients ask me how do I use essential oils to ease anger?  In this post I have discussed what are essential oils and how they are used in Aromatherapy.

For my family I am always looking at ways in which I can support us emotionally as we tend to get stuck in emotions.  When I had my first experience with essential oils through an AromaTouch, I was flabbergasted on how effective they immediately were.  I had tried essential oils in the past and had no success.  However from what I have learnt is that purity is a must to have the best success with essential oils.  My friend, who was giving me the AromaTouch, noticed that I relaxed quickly considering she also does Bowen Massage and I rarely lie still.  It was simply amazing.

Hubby has also gone through a temporary stage of depression and it was to the point where he rarely spoke to me.  My friend suggested that I put a drop of essential oils on a tissue and lie it next to his head whilst he slept.  So I tried it.  I felt so bad putting it near his head when he slept.  However, believe it or not, the next morning he was actually talking to me.  I couldn’t believe it and neither could he.  He said it helped him and he kept putting a grounding blend on himself daily.

For the girls, I have worked out which oils they respond to better.  I am always amazed that some oils Grace responds to really well whilst Emma doesn’t respond to them.  Some oils make Grace sleep walk whilst the same oils make Emma sleep really well.   Up to the age of 7, Grace never slept in her bed the entire night.  But they first thing we noticed when I introduced oils into our lives that with a blend of oils it improved Grace’s sleep so much that she actually woke up rested and ready to start the day.

Lately,  Emma has been really angry about everything and I have to admit I haven’t been using the oils as much.  I love putting the oils in the diffuser which I do regularly but haven’t been doing it as much as I used to.  But Emma needed help.  Her anger was happening so often it was draining her energy.  So I used the above blend in the diffuser and as well topically (please do not use any oil topically as a lot are not pure even though they say they are 100% pure) and over the last few days, the anger has gone.  She now asks me to put the oils on her because she knows they are helping her.

It can be hit and miss with essential oils at the start because everyone is different.  However, when you get the right combination you will never look back.

If you would like to purchase the above blend which is great for grounding and reinvigorating you, please send me an email at info@coachingforlifetimechange.com.au as I can make up the diffuser blend for you and I can make up a roller bottle and mail it to you.  If you need a diffuser you can purchase them through me as well.

Divorce Your Partner!

grief

Divorce your partner seems to be a popular suggestions amongst social media sites.  I am a member of a few social media groups and I am left astounded by people simply suggesting to divorce their partner if they are not on board with Autism.  You rarely if ever hear someone suggest some counselling.  The answer is simply divorce.

It breaks my heart to hear that marriage vows seem so unimportant these days.  Now I am not saying to stay in a marriage if there is violence, abuse but the saddest part is that there are so many posts about partners being unsupportive, not helping, denying there is anything wrong with their child and there is no real question about why is that?

After a child is diagnosed one of the first questions that parents think about is where did the ASD come from?  Most of the research would point to the father.  What help does the husband have to deal with these thoughts?  Not a lot especially if the husband does not talk about his emotions.  Dads also go through the thoughts about what the future hold but if they are constantly working (businesses need to give time off to get to appointments so that they can also be involved).  I know for my husband he felt the extra pressure of working more to help pay for therapy appointments.

There is also the issue of how parents handle emotions in the first place and unless parents receive help with handling their emotions then there is very little chance that these emotions will be resolved for the benefit for the family.

There needs to be more help for dads.  They need support just like mums.

We focus on the family unit throughout all of our programs.  In early 2016, we will be offering emotion coaching as you will be amazed at how strong your connection will become with all members of the family.

All marriages need work, even my marriage needs constant work.  I just wish people would stop suggesting divorce when really no on in these groups know the full picture what is happening within other families.

When Your Child Is Angry!

screaming childIt can be very distressing for everyone when your child is angry.  They have gotten themselves in a state that is hard to get them what they want and our adrenaline starts pumping to get them to stop.  The majority of the time the situation ends with everyone is yelling at each other.  Does it help?  Usually no.

I was talking with a couple of parents after I dropped Grace and Emma off to school.  They came up with some fantastic strategies that I thought I would share with you.

The first strategy is like a metaphor.  Get the child to picture that they are at the beach.  When the child is just on the edge of anger they are at the edge of the water and that is when they can get out of the anger.  Then as they go further into the water is the intensity of the anger and they can’t get out.  That is when you need to offer your child a lifeboat to help them come back. A great object to add is a blanket and they can get on and you can pull them to safety.

The other parent acknowledged that it is during this time that as parents we need to be compassionate and do our very best not to yell back.  I know with my girls I tend to label their emotion and find it calms them down a lot quicker and I take the time to sit with them to help them through their emotions.

What other tips do you know?

The Amazing Zyto Scan for Essential Oils

zytoTHE AMAZING ZYTO SCAN FOR ESSENTIAL OILS

Tonight, I had the most amazing zyto scan for essential oils done for clients and my girls. I was really looking forward to seeing how the oils went with Grace with all her emotions at the moment. I can not believe how accurate the scan actually is with not only physical needs but also emotional needs.

For Grace, we use oils daily for Grace but on the scan it came up with myrrh, vetiver and cleansing blend. I felt quite emotional with these oils because:
Myrrh – on an emotional level is aimed at the mother-child relationship. Grace is feeling quite insecure at the moment and checking all the time where I am. Myrrh helps bridge the gap between mother and child where the disturbance has been.
Vetiver – helps you feel grounded and helps to recognize awareness of emotions.
Cleansing blend aims at cleaning out the negative and toxic emotions and the negative attachment which reflects were we are at with our mother and daughter relationship.

For Emma I never know what oils will come up for her.
Peppermint: was the first one which was what I thought as her sinus area is blocked and peppermint is great to help the breathing function of the body to open up.
Ylang Ylang – Reconnects an individual with the child self and the pure, simple ways of the heart. It reminds the the individual that joy can be felt and experienced more fully by allowing the heart its full range of emotions. I will be interested in how this may help let emma feel confident that she does not need to ask me to pretend to be someone without asking me first if it is ok.
Geranium – id s gentle oil, perfect for babies and children. It nurtures the inner child and supports in re-parenting this aspect of the self. It blends well with the ylang ylang. It is also a very calming oil which helps calms the nervous system which emma needs.
Cedarwood – supports individuals in seeing that they are not alone; life is a shared experience. I am hoping this will help emma to feel more connected to friends at school as she has a low self esteem and tends to keep somewhat isolated.

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