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I am Filled With Anger!

No having a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder is not fair and after diagnosis we can feel angry about it.  This is usually the next step after denial.

As a parent’s denial fades, anger arises that his or her child’s condition may not improve significantly.  The emotion of anger could cause the parent to blame the doctor for making the diagnosis, blame your wife or ourselves for doing something “wrong” during the pregnancy.  Some people go through a spiritual crisis and feel that they have caused this to happen because they may not have prayed enough.  People can be angry towards everyone for this new journey which makes it had for all involved to cope.  Sadly some people let the anger control them and they turn to physical means of showing this anger.

The anger will not last and there has to become the time when you need to let the anger go.  It is hard but the more we stay angry the less we are able to function properly.  It will also hinder the relationship with your child.  Do not give up on your child because they need you to help them have a bright future.

If you are reading this and are in this stage of anger and you want to talk to someone who is outside the picture, please email me on Rebecca@coachingforlifetimechange.com.au as I am more than happy to be that ear.  Any dads who are reading this and are stuck in the place please reach out through email as I am more than happy to listen.

 

I Need to Talk to Someone!

I have just finished reading a wonderful article on the website http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/talk-listen-heal-depression-0611125 and its powerful message that we need to listen.  I hear quite a lot by clients the statement that “I need to talk to someone” especially to someone who understands.

So often I hear the statements “I have to be strong”, “I need to build the bridge”, “I need to get over it”,  “People tell me to stop complaining” but all they need to say is “I need to talk to someone”.

Sadly, children are taught to hide their emotions which usually end up boiling over into anger, not to cry, not to talk about how they feel.  But where does this end up in a life of depression, sadness, feeling alone, turning to drugs, alcohol and gambling.  Plus do not forget all the violence that seems to be increasing in our daily life.

How hard is it to actually sit down and listen to someone?  Most people do not need you to come up with a solution but simply listen.  We need to get our heads out of technology and the fast pace lives we think we need and take time to sit down and listen to someone.

People also need to talk to someone who understands how they feel.  My husband would appreciate if he could talk to another guy who has been through an episode of depression but other guys don’t want to talk to admit it and so they keep feeling alone and isolated.  It is extremely important for you to seek a friend who will listen to you as that is a wonderful building block of friendships and relationships.

One aspect of Coaching for Lifetime Change that clients appreciate is that I have been through a similar situation and they can open up to me.  I am not here to judge you but I do have an ear.  If you need to talk I am here for you.

 

We Only Talk About The Children

How often do we hear that when you have time with your partner you only talk about the children.  For Steve and I we make time for children talk as that is always essential that both parents are on the same page in regards to the girls.

But when we are just spending time together we try our very best not to talk about the girls.  I do remember our first date night and we went out for dinner not far from home as it was our first time leaving them.  But we made the rule that we were not allowed to talk about the girls.  My goodness let me tell you it was like a first date because we were so used talking about the girls, we became out of practice about talking about other things.

It is a great time to touch base with each other and see how both individuals are travelling and talking openly to each other.

It’s Not Easy Looking After a Loved One With Mental Illness

I count myself lucky that I understand what my gorgeous husband is going through with his depression as I have been there myself and probably had a tougher battle. But that does not make his journey any less important as my own.

But for someone who has never had an episode of depression or any mental illness, the understanding of what the person is going through must be unbelievably hard.  It is impossible to understand the darkness that surrounds the person and the effort that is required to do simple daily tasks.  You can not simply snap out of it!  You can’t simply take a pill and all is fantastic!  I know for me the voices that were in my head and the horrible things they were telling me was beyond anyone’s imagination.  The work in blocking out these voices which definitely were not telling me what was reality was so draining that all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and hide.

Nevertheless, it is now my turn to look after my husband. I try my best to create a “bubble” around me to protect my inner self against the lack of connection that I feel, little remarks that can be made and the silence that can surround the air. Thank god we have two children to make up for the noise.  The hardest thing I find is when I give him a hug as for me that is an important way that I fulfil my need for connection and he does not put his arms around me, it does hurt.  But then I also find that I tend to seek more cuddles from the girls to meet the need of connection that I am missing.

What keeps me going is that when he finds the words to communicate how he is feeling, it releases some of the pressure that is evolving around the house.  By simply listening to him helps him find a bit of clarity and it is amazing listening to him acknowledge what is lacking in his life.  I know he will get through it just like I did and it may be hard to imagine but it is making us stronger as a couple and a family.  We have already crossed so many hurdles over the last 6 years and they did not defeat us so I know this also will not defeat us.

But it is not easy for support people because there is little support out there and I want to change that for as many people as I can possibly help.  We do not need to have the solution but we do need to listen.

How do you fulfil the need for connection?

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Who Will Listen?

Picture in your mind when you were working and all the stressful things that occurred whilst at work.  If you were not working imagine a situation that has been stressful to you.  Could you talk to someone and get some empathy?  Most likely.  Everyone knows how stressful work situations can be with tasks needing to be done yesterday, reviews, conflicts with other staff and that is seen as normal.  Plus you also get training etc to teach you about how to get these tasks done etc etc etc.

But how much training do you get about raising a child?  There are birth classes which only teach you about how to give birth. There are plenty of books out there but may not assist your situation.  You have a health professionals who can be great whilst others can be judgemental. You have nine months to prepare for a child but the percentage of that is materialistic preparation.  You prepare a nursery, bed etc but does that help prepare you?  No it does not.

Listening.2For a parent, the changes happen over night.  One minute you are still just partners entering into the world of parenthood.  Then all of a sudden there is a child in your arms with their own personality and needs.  Can you receive the training needed to work out everything you need to do like in work situations?  No you can’t.

But who are you doing to talk to about these changes.  People without children may be wishing that you stop complaining because you may have the family they still want.  You may turn to other people with children and they just tell you welcome to parenthood and get on with it.

In the title the key word is LISTEN. Listening is simply being present in the conversation, not thinking about what you have to do and simply listening to what the other person is saying.  Majority of the time the person is just wanting to get something off their chest and just needs to be listened to.  Try it next time someone wants to talk to you.

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